If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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