Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
