Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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