but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
