When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
