when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You need a sexual gate keeper
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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