i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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