He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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