Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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