If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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