Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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