he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
