So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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