i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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