He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
