need another drink. this is the easiest way
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Randomize
