At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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