Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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