She announced her abortion via fbk
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
