I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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