why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
