Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
