so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
