So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
