Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
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It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
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I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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