Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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