glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
