I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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