Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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