this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
