you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
wow bdsm is so cute
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