You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
