Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
