I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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