Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
