I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
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