if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
