If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
