The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
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I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
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He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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