4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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