STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
