Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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