Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
