I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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