i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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