All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
