I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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