I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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