Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
