my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
