drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
