I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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