is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
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