I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
