I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
