Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
