the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
